If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”