I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.