My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.