If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.

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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.


FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope


Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”


*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth


every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.


date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.