If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
kids play hide and seek like
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)