If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*