If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!

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Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.


[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES


If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.


I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.


I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.


Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?