@leshnevsky

If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!

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@myonlymizztake

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

@daemonic3

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@drxubair

I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.

@roxiqt

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

@clarkekant

Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?