Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
PSA for campus drivers
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?