If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.