Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.