@AnOrangeSNES

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

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@turtledumplin

Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@TweetPotato314

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@BriarSlyMalice

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

@Contwixt

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

@41Strange

After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble

@pilau

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

@ReeseButCallMeV

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

@TheAlexNevil

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.