If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

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Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice


Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.


wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song


HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.


Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.


Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.


After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble


me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is


This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.


Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.