*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You Might Also Like
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.