If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?