If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no