@DavidAdt1

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

You Might Also Like

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@perlhack

“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”

@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

@Daveastated

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

@LeonInNewJersey

Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure