“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You Might Also Like
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.