If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.