If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You Might Also Like
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Important reminders
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.