if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Möther may I have a snäck
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
❤️🦆
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.