if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
wish me luck lads
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.