If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Sharon, call the vet
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.