If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

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[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.


I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)


REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale


6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.


*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*


I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.


*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*


At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.


What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”


…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.