If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.