If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT