If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week