If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

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FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-



[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?


December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it


I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.


Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours


People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.


Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.


Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner


Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol