If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

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Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes



Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea


*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats


Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.


Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies