@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

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@Reverend_Scott

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

@NoticablyBacon

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

@KKAlThani

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

@Flossieraptor

Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.

@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

@stevevsninjas

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol