ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
opening twitter today
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.