If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.