@eliserose5

If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.

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@RobbyActually

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

@litfirebird

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

@Papa_Mex

I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@amhw

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

@thokone

When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?

@hamersauce

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!