Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.