I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB