@eliserose5

If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.

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@Dad_At_Law

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

@sonictyrant

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@HannahFlores01

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

@LurkAtHomeMom

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

@AmishPornStar1

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.