My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!