@enigmaterics

If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

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@DaddyJew

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@TheTweetOfGod

UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES

8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

@batkaren

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven