@enigmaterics

If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

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@TheRealRHB

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?

Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.

Doc: …

@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@leslid79

I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

@Browtweaten

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

@curlymalloy

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Stap_Jr

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.