actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
You Might Also Like
this country is so goddamn polarized
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Godspeed, John Glenn
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are