If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

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*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know


Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money


“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.


Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.



8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU


Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.


They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:

This fall on CBS


Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers


oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven