If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You Might Also Like
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.