If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[montage of me giving-up]
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.