If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too