@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

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@JediGigi

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

@UncleDuke1969

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”

@NYC_Blonde

I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.

@CanadianPitbull

I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say “I do” your right hand is gonna be awful busy.

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

@TheBoydP

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.