@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

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@TheMichaelRock

Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@thatUPSdude

[breaks into your house]

[steals your shoes]

[walks a mile in them]

[judges you]

@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@MomofTeen

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

@briancthayer

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

@MischievousJam

Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep

@thedad

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.