If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

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Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.


My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.


[breaks into your house]

[steals your shoes]

[walks a mile in them]

[judges you]


[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*


Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer


Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.


I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.


Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep


Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.