If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“No way.” -Jose
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Happy thanksgiving
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro