If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Lucky old June.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.