So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win