@HonestToddler

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs ๐Ÿ™‚

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@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

@MariyaAlexander

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

@ADHDeanASL

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I canโ€™t remember her birthday

@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say โ€œSee you next yearโ€ to be repeatedly tased.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

@Mirimade

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
โ€œWow, youโ€™re tall!โ€
โ€œYes.โ€
*repeat for infinity*

@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

@mommajessiec

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.