If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs ūüôā

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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.


Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.


sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?


If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.


It‚Äôs fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl ‚ÄúI‚Äôm a witch‚ÄĚ & ‚Äúdear god she‚Äôs getting stronger‚ÄĚ


Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues


You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.


Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind


Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is