If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs ๐Ÿ™‚

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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones


Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…


I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I canโ€™t remember her birthday


All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say โ€œSee you next yearโ€ to be repeatedly tased.


[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08


Being Tall:

Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

โ€œWow, youโ€™re tall!โ€
*repeat for infinity*


Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.


The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.


Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.