If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.