If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My dating profile:
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”