Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Very problematic
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn