what do you want!!!!!!!!
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!