I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.