My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
#gardening
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes