If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up