@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

@ImaFlyontheWall

Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

@daemonic3

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

@briancthayer

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@juliussharpe

The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds