Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds