[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Uh oh…
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
This cat wants you to take your pills
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.