“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Sing it!
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.