The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.