If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.


My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.


HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star


I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.


As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you