@TheWeirdWorld

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

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@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@ficklenuts

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@Cpin42

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

@retniw_nuf

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@StuForReal

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you