@FeverFlave

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

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@thegreatnanak

*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@SeanSchofer

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349262839447437312″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:134:”*Knock knock*

Who’s there?

The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!

The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@VerifiedJayy

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@newLettuce

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now