*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!
The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk