If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I ate everything, including the H.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.