Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Monday
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.