if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I found your tweet-up…