If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Wednesday
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
a lot to unpack here
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm