If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

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I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.


Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it


Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.


*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*


[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”


science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok


I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.


Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.


It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”