@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

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@Dunkaroos

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@OakHill_

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

@LilMamacitaDont

I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.

@sweet_toof

Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

@OctopusCaveman

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

@TheresaDejaVue

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

@midnight_cowboi

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.