If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.