@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

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@caliluvgirl77

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

@Donna_McCoy

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

@LindzThoughts

If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@AtticusFinch79

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@carterhambley

just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise

@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?