If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

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[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it


Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.


If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.


I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up


[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.


I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.


“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.


just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise


HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?