If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
happy friday
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”