*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.
She was not happy.
“Cover your mouth when you cough or I’ll kill you and your entire family”
– The new motivational poster I’ve hung in my office at work
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!