@mcarmel

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

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@jonnysun

*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin

@iamjohnsarris

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

@bobbiejo448

Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@drinksmcgee

“Cover your mouth when you cough or I’ll kill you and your entire family”

– The new motivational poster I’ve hung in my office at work

@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@SergioValenCo

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!