@jennnjennnm

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock

thats humerus

no, I’m not sorry

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@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

@Parentpains

It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@HolycrapitsaKat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.