doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock
no, I’m not sorry
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We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.