@jennnjennnm

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock

thats humerus

no, I’m not sorry

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@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@TheHyyyype

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

@chuuew

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

@Donna_McCoy

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.