#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.